Harrison Flatau’s Voting Etiquette

November 11th, 2006

By Harrison Flatau

Harrison Flatau here with some personalized tips for all you crazy kids out there wanting to vote.

If you’re a(n):

Stoner…
1. Rip bongs all day.
2. Forget to vote.
3. Complain for the next four years.
4. Repeat.

Racial Minority…
1. Pack enough supplies to last the 50 mile drive to your “local” voting place.
2. Get to your destination.
3. Notice that it is a run-down CVS.
4. Curse The Man.

Rich Caucasian…
1. Have your maid wake you up.
2. Fire maid for waking you up.
3. Get to place of voting.
4. Pre-game with your Free-Mason buddies with wine and cheese.
5. Have your assistant pull the vote for you; you wouldn’t want to get
any germs.

Non-Voter…
1. Go about your business as usual.

Prisoner…
1. Wake up for the morning count.
2. Try not to get raped in the shower.
3. Try not to get shanked at breakfast.
4. Try to go out and vote.
5. Realize you’re in prison and aren’t
legally allowed to vote.
6. Sob uncontrollably.

Illegal Alien…
1. Cruce la frontera.
2. Robe un trabajo.
3. Voto.
4. Hogar de vuelta.
5. Misión completa.

Actual Alien…
1. sgda;sldf
2. qwerot
3. adf5oy n

Homeless Person…
1. Get harassed for being in the voting place.
2. Try to eat the Free-Mason’s food.
3. Get the cops called on you.
4. Get arrested and have a free meal.

P. Diddy Fan…
1. Vote
Or
2. Die
3. (Optional) if you choose #2, say hello to Biggie. And Pac, if you must.

College Activist…
1. Stand outside of local voting place.
2. Hand out pamphlets.
3. Realize that you’ve been so busy handing out pamphlets that you forgot to vote.
4. Sob uncontrollably.

Ninja…
1. Sneak into voting booth.
2. Vote.
3. Sneak out of voting booth.

Vampire…
1. Wake up.
2. Notice that the sun is out.
3. Die.
4. Say hello to Biggie. And Pac, if you must.

Eloi…
1. You are too dumb to vote.

Morlock…
1. You aren’t allowed above ground.
2. Hey, someone has to work to give us electricity.

Elderly Person…
1. Get into car.
2. Drive to voting place.
3. Crash into voting place.
4. Tell the volunteers that in your day…
5. Fall asleep.
6. Vote.
7. Realize that you’ve voted for the exact opposite of what you wanted.
8. Sob uncontrollably.

Woman…
1. Drive to place of voting.
2. Get out of car.
3. Get objectified while walking into the voting place.
4. Vote.
5. Get objectified while walking out of the voting place.
6. Get back into car.
7. Drive home.

Harrison Flatau is a sophomore writing major. He votes by his own rules: 1. Be awesome. 2. Vote. Email him at hflatau1@ithaca.edu.

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