By Adam D’Arpino
There’s a crisis brewing in America, and it has been the elephant in the United State’s proverbial room for quite awhile now. It’s not the outsourcing of jobs, nor the fact race relations aren’t improving at the pace they should be. It’s the fact that we’ve been getting our asses kicked in sports by inferior nations for some time now. OK, the World Cup is one thing. It’s a well-known fact that the U.S.A. has sucked at soccer for some time. Plus the “We don’t really give a shit” excuse works well for us. We like fast food, SUVs and sports that don’t end in 0-0 ties.
However, recently other countries have been moving in on our turf. The great Charles Barkley was once quoted as saying about fellow baller Sam Cassel, “Everything that could have possibly [gone] wrong with a man’s face went wrong with his.” In the same vain, everything that could have possibly went wrong with the United States basketball team went wrong at the Olympics in 2004. We were annihilated in the preliminary round by 20 points at the hands of Puerto Rico, which happens to be a Commonwealth of – you guessed it – the fucking United States of America. Embarrassing: on all accounts. We were then given the second best loser award after avenging a loss to Lithuania, a country I can barely locate on a map, let alone envision the land of opportunity losing to in hoops. It was our first bronze since 1988. A far cry from the dream teams of the ’90s.
We didn’t fair much better in the World Baseball Classic, which was held earlier this year. The States didn’t even qualify for the final round of four. And who won you might ask? The answer would be Japan. That’s right, the same Japan that bombed one Pearl Harbor some 65 years ago. At some point as Americans we have to ask ourselves, “How much of this can we take?” I mean, what would the Babe think?
Lately, the U.S. hasn’t even been able to dominate the quasi-sports world. Japanese born Takeru Kobayashi has dominated the last six Nathan’s Fourth of July Hotdog Eating Contests. Are you serious? In a nation where thirty percent of the adult population is clinically obese, we can’t even win an eating competition? In my humble opinion, there’s no better way to honor the birth of our nation than to watch people who will likely die of heart attacks in their late forties shove hotdogs down their throats to the point of vomiting. But if an American can’t even win, why bother? It’s downright disheartening.
You might be one of many asking themselves, “Is there no hope to maintain a sense of dignity in our country?” I say to you, don’t give up on America. There is still hope that through hard work, focus and brutal trials and tribulations in genetic engineering we can stay on top of the sports world.
Adam D’Arpino is a sophomore english major and all he wants for Christmas is the United States to win a World Cup. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.