I Refuse to Write About Soccer

September 20th, 2006

By Harrison Flatau

Since this is the “International” issue, I figure that everyone is wondering, “Harrison, what is your opinion of soccer?” Well I’m here to tell you that I will not talk about soccer. If there is one thing that really irks me, it is soccer. It is such a pathetic excuse for a sport that I refuse to waste any time on it. Yellow cards, red cards and corner kicks will not be discussed.

I refuse to comment on a sport who’s biggest act of violence is a head butt. Pussies. In fact, I hate soccer so much that I refuse to talk about how much I hate soccer.

Recently President Bush revealed his new proposal for dealing with Iraq…

God I hate soccer.

Where do they get off calling soccer “football” in Europe, Asia, Africa, South America, Australia and North America (except in the US)? Don’t they know that we invented a sport called football, the real football, and since we call it soccer they have to call it soccer, too?

How come the players can’t do something, instead of just passing that stupid black and white ball around? Pass, pass, pass, wait; he’s going for the goal, will he shoot? No. He passed.

“But Harrison, it’s the most popular sport in the world,” my detractors will say. Well if that is the case then why isn’t it popular in America? America is the most popular country in the world. Soccer is not popular in America. Therefore, soccer is not popular in the world. Case closed.

And where do they get off creating so many professional soccer leagues. That shit is confusing. In America we have one professional league for each sport. Our leagues are so powerful that they battle for the world championships all by themselves. We don’t have to include every country in our playoffs just so that nobody’s feelings get hurt.

Some others will ask me, “What about the Americans that play in Major League Soccer or on the national team for the Olympics and World Cup?” Those people are not Americans. No real American would devote their lives to this sport. It is quite obvious that these people immigrated to this country to undermine the American government and recruit children into their evil organization.

The worst part of soccer (which I still refuse to talk about) is how low the final scores are. Would you rather see a soccer match end at 1-2 or a basketball game end at 110-98? Exactly.

I swear I am not going to devote this column to soccer. There is no way that I will use 800 words on this abomination of a sport.

Hey. I just realized what sport is manlier than soccer. Polo. Think about that. Polo is a sport where rich people ride horses and hit a ball with a stick. And that is manlier than soccer. For shame soccer, for shame.

When was the last time you heard of a soccer player involved with a steroid scandal? How can soccer be a real sport if there’s no doping? Guess what sport has more doping scandals than soccer? Cycling. Yes, that’s right. People who ride bicycles for a living are more likely to take performing enhancing drugs than people who kick a ball. That just proves that you don’t have to perform anything in soccer.

Everyone thinks that Terrell Owens is the biggest prima donna in sports today. Terrell Owens isn’t even top ten; he’s not even top fifty. Guess what group takes every spot above T.O.? Soccer goalies. These people are so pampered that they have to wear flamboyant shirts and gloves to protect their hands. They also get to use their hands during play. Imagine that a group of players got together in say, basketball, and demanded that they be able to run with the ball. Now imagine that they all played center. So now every center in the NBA can run with the ball. Massive riots would, of course, ensue, but not in soccer. Goalies get to use their hands whenever they want just because they think they are better than the other players.

Soccer is so beneath me. Soccer is so beneath me that in order for me to get to it I have to dig to China – where they play soccer.

But the worst horror in soccer is never discussed in public. Nobody ever talks about the kids who play as a goalie in youth leagues and get kicked in the face with a ball. And after these kids finally get over the sting of the ball they open their eyes only to see everyone in the stands laughing at them.

“But Harrison, I’ve never heard of any people getting kicked in the face with a ball.”

Well, it happened to me!

Harrison Flatau is not a sophomore. He’s not a writing major either. Definitely don’t email him at [email protected]
Whaling Wall Matthew Farrell
Chow Feng Shui Josh Elmer
Stained Glass Ceiling Emily McNeill
Anarchitect Mike Berlin
SaHarrison Desert Harrison Flatau
Metrolollipopolis Jennifer Konerman
Tropic of Scurvy Heather Newberger
Copy Editors Danielle Sherwood
  Jenna Scatena
  Elliott Feedore
Adviser Mary Beth O’Connor
Chief Residents Abby Bertumen
  Kelly Burdick
  Bryan Chambala
  Sam Costello
  Cole Louison
  James Sigman

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Front cover and back cover of print edition by Jake I. Forney.
Section dividers of print edition by Jake I. Forney and Justin Lubliner.