Feng Shui, Man

December 17th, 2007

The ancient Chinese art of chillaxin’

By Melissa Fassetta

The practice of feng shui, positioning of objects and items to create harmony and flow of energy called chi, has been practiced since Neolithic times. Since college turns us all into beings of caveman-like civility, let’s take a look at these ancient practices and apply them to our everyday lives as undergrads.

Where you put things in a room directly affects your grades, your looks, and the lifespan of everyone you know and love. Why did your goldfish die? Because he faced South instead of North, idiot kid. If your parents never taught you about Li, now you know why you didn’t get more scholarship money. To prevent other such catastrophes, the following is a list of common dorm room objects and where they should be placed, to get the most chi out of them:

Bed – Your bed should face the door, to better see someone should they come in unexpectedly. Better yet, put the bed directly in front of the door. Then no one can come in without you knowing. Furthermore, if they have to climb over it to get in the room, what a great way to get someone in bed. Those ancient Chinese were playas.

Desk – Your workspace should be completely free of clutter. Open your window and throw out all the empty water bottles, cup o’ noodles, popcorn bags, old tests, new tests, study guides, textbooks, anything. You don’t need to pursue an education when you have a buttload of chi working for you. Your new chi-efficient desk should be on the west wall.

Desk Chair – Sit in the chair so you are facing east, the opposite direction of the desk. The ancient Chinese didn’t have homework.

Dresser – Clothes should be clean, folded, arranged by season and tucked neatly into drawers. Or thrown at the bottom of the closet.

Television – Throw it away. Confucius didn’t have cable and he turned out fine.

Bong/Hookah – For the true atmosphere of Ancient China, all marijuana must be discarded and replaced with opium.

Overflowing Trashcan – Your roommate can deal with that.

Acoustic Guitar – No one wanted to tell you, but you suck. Sell it.

Now that your stuff is in order and you have a little extra cash on hand, it’s time to really reign in the chi.

Having good chi is largely about improving luck, and nothing says good fortune more than those happy waving cat statues they have at the Chinese food place. If that’s too expensive, catching a stray cat and teaching it to wave is a cheap alternative.

Buy crystals and red cord. Red is a wealth-attracting color, and crystals are fun to watch twist around when you’re stoned. They also keep demons away, or something.

You got a 30 pack into the room unnoticed, but are too lazy to sneak them past the RA to recycle. Fret not! With some string you can make a beer can wind chime. Wind chimes invite good chi and promote serenity. What better sound to relax to than the clank of empty keystone? Hang up your craft towards the Metal element, in the Northwest.

Now your dorm is the pinnacle of peace, prosperity and harmony. At least until you get your final grades.

Melissa Fassetta is a Junior English major who thinks Feng Shui is a “Fun Way” to live. Email her at melissafassetta [at] gmail.com

Whaling Wall Matthew Farrell
Chow Feng Shui Josh Elmer
Stained Glass Ceiling Emily McNeill
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Metrolollipopolis Jennifer Konerman
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Front cover and back cover of print edition by Jake I. Forney.
Section dividers of print edition by Jake I. Forney and Justin Lubliner.