by Harrison Flatau
Do you feel left out? Do you feel like no one understands you? Do you feel disenfranchised with current religious organizations? Then come join the Church of Harrisonites.
First, a brief history of the church. Back in 2000, I was stationed as a missionary in the Amazon jungle. One day, during an expedition, I stumbled upon a cave. After defeating the primitive booby traps, (Like I didn’t know that the statue would shoot darts out of its eyes. Come on.), I emerged from the cave with the Golden Statue of Harrisontord. Using the statue, I found that I could speak to the deity, Harrisontord. He told me that since I was endowed with the magical name of “Harrison,” I was connected to Him while holding the statue. Harrisontord then ordered me to create a church to worship His coming in the year 2008. The church started off modestly, consisting of followers congregating in my mother’s basement. Since then, the Church of Harrisonites has set up satellite churches in my dorm and in my father’s basement.
Now what does the Church of Harrisonites have to offer above Christianity, Judaism, or any other “mainstream” religion? Do you like jumpsuits? I bet you do. Males in the Church of Harrisonites are required to wear all-black jumpsuits, females purple. In addition to the jumpsuit requirement, all practitioners must wear matching Converse All-Stars. Don’t you hate it when you can’t decide what haircut to get at Super-Cuts? No worries. In the Church of Harrisonites, males get crew cuts and females get the “Rachel.”
Also unlike other religions, there is room to move up “the ladder” in the Church of Harrisonites. For your first two years, every member has the rank of “Follower.” That means that you have to follow everything I say. Everything. From this point, men can bulk up to become a “Muscle.” This is the position to choose if you want to fight any archaeologists or heroes who try to return the Golden Statue back to whichever Amazonian tribe it came from. Or, if the male wishes, he can continue his studies from his “Follower” days. This will choice will allow the male to become a “Historian.” “Historians” are those who simultaneously keep record of the church and its activities and learn the lost art of Harrisonspeak.
Harrisonspeak consists of the phrases and chants that “Followers” say during meetings. They also help me transform into the God Harrisontird. I might as well mention this now. By holding the Golden Statue of Harrisontord, I can become Him, if I gather enough followers. For your assistance, I can lead you into the glorious afterlife.
Women on the other hand can either be “Historians” or “Wives.” “Wives” are those who wish to bear children to further the membership of the Church of Harrisonites. “Wives” also get to see me naked.
You may have noticed that a lot of the words and phrases surrounding this church revolve around the base word “Harrison.” Fear not, for you do not have to possess the name, Harrison, in any form, to be a practitioner of this religion. Granted, if you are named Harrison, you are allowed to fight me to the death to become the church leader. So far, I have two wins and no losses.
You also may have noticed that around this time the holidays Christmas and Hanukkah keep popping up. Well, I have good news for you, prospective member; the Church of Harrisonites have a winter holiday too. It’s called Harrisonvus. The holiday is much simpler than buying gifts for everyone in your family (Christmas) or that crazy-eight-day-long one (Hanukkah). It works like this: as a member you come to one of the churches and present an offering to the giant picture of my head. Really, yocan give anything: food, your life savings, your first-born son, anything.
Even better than our winter holiday is our day of rest – Thursday. That’s right, every Thursday for Harrisonite followers is the Sabbath. Why Thursday? It’s the day I found the Golden Statue of Harrisontord. And unlike Judaism, you can get three days off every week. If you work at a normal nine to five job, that is, which you shouldn’t, because you will love the church so much you’ll never want to leave. Never. Want. To. Leave.
So there you have it, guaranteed acceptance into the afterlife if you join my religion. Don’t forget to ask our operators about special discounts if you refer a friend.
Oh yeah, um, if the FBI finds out that we’re doing this we have to kill ourselves. Immediately. I hope you like Ecto Cooler.
Harrison Flatau is a sophomore writing major and thinks he suspiciously looks like the Golden Statue of Harrisontord. Email him at email@example.com.