SAWDUST PRESENTS: Debate of the Month

October 10th, 2007

Boys vs. Girls



Ring Facts: Heather
Height: 5′10″
Weight: 140
Weapon: Apple of Temptation
Record: 0-0

I can think of at least 67 reasons why girls are better than boys.

First off, we have scientific evidence. The female brain has recently been proven to be much larger than the male brain. It is full of lobes targeted specifically towards emotional, physical and even intellectual needs, and men have always lacked this type of brainpower.

Secondly, we have the statistics. Women live up to 30 years longer than men. Able to fulfill life-long dreams and pursue multiple careers, women can raise a family and still have a long and fruitful life beyond the home. Respected by husbands and children, mothers have the unique chance to bond with their offspring in ways no other gender can. Birthing and personally feeding one’s children for the beginning stages of their lives, children bond with their mothers in ways that fathers can only dream.

Soft and gentle creatures, women have a beautiful nature, a quality that far surpasses the masculine urge to command and conquer. Able to win people over by their wit and intellect alone, women feel no need to dominate or compete. Women support each other and nurture. This is much more than I can say for any man I have encountered.

Which brings me to the realm of relationships, where women have always surpassed men in every field. Able to emotionally invest themselves in ways men will never be able to, women have the capability to comprehend their own emotions, feelings and ideas. Taking their comprehension a step farther, women also have the aptitude to explain these to each other. Able then to spend hours talking and forming connections, the men of our nation would rather play the new “Halo 3” than spend some quality time with each other. This is inappropriate, unnecessary, and something that would never, ever happen between two females.

It’s easy to see that I enjoy being a girl.

Ring Facts: Matt
Height: 6′4″
Weight: 190
Weapon: Boyish Charm
Record: 0-0

Heather, I mean, wow, what can I say. You are sooo talented. I was going to try and debate you on this, but I feel like there’s nothing I can say.

I always thought women’s brains were bigger, and now you’ve confirmed that for me. When I look at you it’s so obvious, I mean, not like you have a big head or anything, no, no, no, I just mean like, your eyes are really pretty. And your whole face is just like, gorgeous.

We all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, why do we take from our women? Girls are so soft and gentle; like you said, us men are always just fighting and drinking, and it’s the women who are taking care of us all. Your spirits are so calming. I always like to have a lot of women around me, because they radiate such positive energy.

I know you don’t think men are able to comprehend feelings and make emotional investments, but we’re not all like that. I’m so much different than most guys. My friends all just want to go out and take shots at the bar, find some drunk, hot girl, start dancing at the bar, start off sort of joking around, then start grinding a little bit, maybe walk her home, give her a tour of the house, wind up in the bedroom, but NO! That’s not my thing, Heather. I like it when we’re talking, like this right here. I want to know who you are. The real you. So yea, women are better, your right, but don’t give up on all men.

I gotta go, you know, I have this community service thing, I’m working with underprivileged orphans that have no legs. This was fun, though, can I like, get your number?

Who do you think won? E-mail buzzsawhaircut[at]gmail.com with “debate” in the subject line.

Whaling Wall Matthew Farrell
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