Help Desk

October 10th, 2007

A Generic Internet F.A.Q.

By John Scappini

Welcome to the internets. Below you fill find some helpful questions and answers to use before engaging in the internet world wide web.

What is the Internet?
A series of tubes, pipes, and other assorted plumbing materials.

Well, what’s Youtube?
Youtube is a website that just has a lot of videos on it. Be careful though, once you start…the next thing you know, you’re 35 years old and have a Rip Van Winkle style beard. Tragic really.

Will my video get made fun of?
Yes. You can find videos like “This is me attempting the solo in Heartbreaker by Led Zeppelin. I’ve only tried it once, so cut me some slack LOL :) :) :)” Don’t expect to get any sympathy, nobody cuts any slack in the comments section. Expect vicious insults hurled back and forth between posters, such as “lead zeplin sux so bad pink floid is the gratest band evrrrr” followed a minute later by “its LED zeplin u retard.”

What are chain messages?
The product of people with too much time on their hands. Usually they’re along the lines of, “WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T READ THIS.” and ending with “SO POST THIS 500 THOUSAND TIMES OR ELSE BEN SMITH WILL DIE OF CANCER.” or maybe “POST THIS 6969 TIMES OR ELSE YOU WILL NEVER FIND TRUE LOVE.” If you believe in them, please disassemble your computer and take it back to the store. You’re not welcome on the Internet.

What is AIM?
AIM promotes the economy. It’s the chat client of choice for capitalist and those who enjoy seeing a free country. Other programs include MSN Messenger or iChat, but those are for Communists, and you’re not a Communist, are you?

I keep seeing “<3” in people’s profiles, what’s up with that?
It’s simple, short, sweet, and says more than any combination of words can, “I love you.” The famed little fish eating the big fish in someone’s profile. The untrained eye might wonder what, pray tell, is less than three? It’s probably the number of romantic sentences uttered between couples that demonstrate their love for one another by using that in their profiles. People are actually too lazy to talk about what is supposed to be the most profound and deep emotion of all.

What are those faces that people seem to use a lot?
Smileys. Possibly the second worst invention of all time, next to snooze button on the alarm clock, smileys serve as once again cutting out the need to say ANYTHING. Instead of saying you’re feeling great, just put a smiley face. Sad? A frowny face. Someone stitch your lips together? Smiley with an X for a mouth. Got bad eczema? Use the eczema smiley!

I have to go do something, but I want people to know what’s up. What should I do?
Put up an away message. For the uninformed, an away message is something you put up in order to let people know how you feel. If you’re a college student, you can find every thing from “Killing myself” to “hungover” to “hungover, killing myself” , and if you’re in high school “killing myself” to “class, killing myself” to “god I hate my parents.”

Like Van Gogh, Michelangelo, Bach and Basquiat, there are modern day away message artists. Sexiibabii1234123 for example has “Theres nothing i wont do / to spend my life with you / i’ll give my all to you / i promise / that I will never lie 2 u boii” and sexiigurl45881234 has “tOnY mOnTaNa WaS rIgHt!!!!1” Touching. Can’t find the basic motor skills to express how you’re feeling on your own? Try song lyrics or a quotation from your favorite romantic comedy. The more depressing it is, the more likely your friends are to love you, and they’ll probably hang out with you a lot more (as well as respect you a ton!).

What are some other important websites?
Well, I haven’t even touched Myspace, because like herpes…well that’s actually the whole joke.

Then there’s Google. Google is what Skynet wished it was and is also known as the center of the internet universe. Wikipedia is slightly below in the monarchy of the internet.

Like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters, using Google and Wikipedia opens up another dimension, known in most academic circles as “how college kids do research.”

There you have it. Take what you have learned. Go about your daily life, and prosper in your e-life. Do not stray from what you have read, as no one can help you in The Inter Net.

John Scappini is a sophomore english major who LIKES TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS!!111!! LOLs. Just kidding — that’s annoying. Email him at jscappi1[at]ithaca.edu.

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