By Elliot Feedore
Holly Robilard, a freshman sociology major, was positively stunned when she attended her first floor meeting in her Terrace dormitory.
“I was ferklempt,” she says with an intonation of disappointment in her voice, “that there wasn’t a single guy in the entire building.”
When she asked her R.A., she discovered that this was not by design, but rather by circumstance: the class of 2011 is simply boy-deficient. And, what’s more, this is nothing new. Enrollment numbers of those equipped with a Y chromosome have been in decline on campuses across the United States, the only exception being the Toledo Institute of Teratology in Toledo, Ohio, which caters exclusively to mutants with two Y chromosomes.
Why have places of higher learning devolved into glorified taco fests?
Tony “The Tube” Quaylo is not only quite positive that he knows the root of the problem, but he gladly volunteers responsibility for it, as well.
“It’s the porn industry,” he says succinctly behind studded sunglasses. “If you get more college chicks to go wild, you get more dicks to… if you catch my drift.”
According to Quaylo, founder and C.E.O. of Idle Hands Productions, naughty, erudite girls are a big hit for trashy, dum-dum guys. “You got to give the boys some credit,” he says. “They dig chicks with a little bit of brains in their tits. Real sensitive shit, you know?”
Quaylo and Idle Hands have been working overtime in recent years. “Phasing boys out has been pretty easy. We’ve been getting college athletes to drop out of school left and right to pursue careers in the pros. What red-blooded boy would rather get an MBA than get into the NBA? Also, the change-of-address forms for our by-mail video service – Cockbuster – are endlessly complicated; guys’d just rather stay at Mom and Pop’s than have to go through all that. Anyway, our College Chicks Gone Batty series makes ’em feel like they’re at college already, so why spend forty-thousand bucks on a school, when they can pay $19.99 for a DVD instead?”
Quaylo stresses that his agenda is environmentally-friendly, as well. “All the fun that guys have when watching my modest productions add up to no small expense of energy. We’ve got some scientists from big universities – mostly chicks, of course – working on ways to harness it. I mean, seriously – between that and oil, I know what I’d rather pump.”
The pornographer maintains that the trouble with the so-called fairer sex is not getting them to college, but keeping them there. “Girls are smart. They want to go to school, so I leave the front door open so they can come right in. But some of them, they miss the boys. So, we pipe a little Melissa Ethridge music in whiles they sleep. Then, our friends at Sodexho do us a favor and pump the cafeteria food with aphrodisiacs. And then finally – and this is key – we get ’em really wasted.”
“I don’t know what to think,” says Robilard, kicking her new pair of Birkenstocks nervously in the air. “On the one hand, this could mean the glass ceiling could finally crack. But, on the other, it’s really skeevy. And, I can’t get ‘Come to My Window’ out of my head.”
“This Mr. Quaylo could be the Horace Mann [ed.’s note—look it up] of the twenty-first century,” says Dr. Martin Blohardt, professor of epistemology at Cornell University. “Or he could just be a big, [explicative deleted] pervert.”
Quaylo maintains his equanimity even as I question his scruples. “The way I see it,” he beams, “If you don’t like what I’m doing, you’re sexist and homophobic.”
Elliott Feedore is a junior Cinema and Photography major who wants more pornography themed classes in Park. Email him at efeedor1[at]ithaca.edu.