Ball-jitsu

October 8th, 2007

The best defense is a good offense

By Sandy Canosa

A team of researchers pondered this question extensively, concluding that a woman’s best defense is still the tried-and-true method of “getting him where it hurts.” This area is scientifically known as either the crotchal region or the groinalplex, an extremely vulnerable vicinity located between a man’s legs that, when pitted against a solid force, will likely cause said man to experience extreme pain.

Our team of Buzzsaw Researchers set out to discover exactly which objects would produce the most devastating effects.

Kick: Its practicality and efficiency make the kick the most commonly practiced method of female defense. Its style can vary by user; some use the flat, shoelace surface of the foot to attack straight up from between the legs, others use the bottom of the foot in a more horizontal manner. Unfortunately, the widespread use of the kick has led to men’s instinctive flinch defense—laughable, but ultimately effective in their protection.

Coffee: Using coffee, or any hot liquid, to scald your enemy saves you from direct physical contact and can easily be passed off as an “accident.” An added benefit of this technique is the embarrassing brown stain it leaves on the opponent’s pants; downsides include the loss of one’s coffee.

Telephone: A desk phone with a cord, as pictured, requires specific skill. The cord may be swung circularly to gain torque, then launched at the crotchal region. This method is more likely to be used in indoor settings, such as an office. Keeping the phone in its jack enables the user to call the police or use the office intercom to further humiliate the subject, depending on the situation.

High Heels: Your Steve Madden pumps can easily double as a near-lethal weapon. They can be used as an upgrade for the kicking technique, or removed from the foot and wielded by hand. The hand method, while both intimidating to the opponent and empowering to the user, requires swift wrist movement and absolute precision.

Golf Club: Strong and sturdy, the golf club is a sure-fire way to harm your enemy, whether aiming at the groinalplex or not. However, most women maintain that it is impractical to carry the club around on a day-to-day basis. Experts argue over the plausibility of disguising the club as a pimp cane when not in use.

Garbage Can: Especially effective in large groups. It can be rammed at the individual horizontally, in a Vikings-storming-the-castle style, or dropped over the head of the opponent, temporarily blocking them out from the year. The latter tactic can be used as a distracting agent, buying time to use any or all of the aforementioned techniques.

Sandy Canosa is a junior writing major who’s in the gang, Ball Kickrz. Watch out guys. Email her at scanosa1[at]ithaca.edu

Whaling Wall Matthew Farrell
Chow Feng Shui Josh Elmer
Stained Glass Ceiling Emily McNeill
Anarchitect Mike Berlin
SaHarrison Desert Harrison Flatau
Metrolollipopolis Jennifer Konerman
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Front cover and back cover of print edition by Jake I. Forney.
Section dividers of print edition by Jake I. Forney and Justin Lubliner.