February 21st, 2007

How Bush controls pop media

By Dan Munns

Last week the New York Times broke the news on President Bush’s secret celebrity-scandal program, dubbed by the press as “Celebritygate.” It appears that since the beginning of his administration, Bush has been lining the pockets of celebrities with hordes of money, forcing some Hollywood stars to invest in bigger pockets. In exchange for the money, the actors and actresses must take part in scandalous and shocking operations which will catch the attention of the average American. In doing this, Bush was hoping people would stop spending so much time debating his polices and spend more time talking about more meaningful things, like the rocky breakup between Brad and Jenn, Paris Hilton’s late night antics, and which child stars should make People Magazine’s “50 Most Fugliest Kids in Hollywood.”

Reporters from the Times were first alerted to the president’s actions while listening to audio tapes that were sent to them by an anonymous source. The tapes contain recorded phone conversations between President Bush and several other celebrities and provide clear evidence that Bush was making unsound deals with individuals like Britney Spears, Mel Gibson, and that Soapy, McSteamy, Shower-Head dude from “Grey’s Anatomy.”

The following is an example of what can be found on the tape. It features a conversation between President Bush and the actress, Tara Reid:

Bush: “OK, so I need you to get your breasts done. I’ll pay ya’ 50 million if you do it.”

Reid: “Will I get it all at once?”

Bush: “I sure as hell hope you would…be pretty weird for you walking around with one big boob and one little one.”

Ms. Reid eventually did get the implants, and right the CIA orchestrated a perfectly executed “nip slip” operation at one of Ms. Reid’s movie premieres, causing an entire population of men to run home and download the 5 second video of the “mishap” online. Coincidently, the Reid-breast slip occurred the night before the U.S. Dept. of Labor announced that unemployment had gone up and national debt had increased to a level unheard of in American history. Fortunately for President Bush, no one paid attention to the news. Instead, pure anarchy raged as every single cable news show debated whether or not Tara Reid’s breasts had become as scarred as her reputation.

The “Celebritygate” scandal began to pick up even greater steam after it was discovered that the long winded “Rosie-Donald Feud” was actually instigated by President Bush. Last week at a press conference, Ms. O’Donnell wept and cried as she told reporters what had happened to her when she refused to take a bribe from President Bush. One night secret security agents stormed her home, tied her up and brought her to the White House. She was then told by the president that if she didn’t start fighting with Donald Trump she would be forced to stand up for an entire tapping of “The View”.

During the state of emergency, which was authorized by the government in order to maintain peace between the Donald and Rosie factions, congress was able to pass several laws which outlawed stem cell research and same sex marriage, and another bill which effectively banned the sale of Fig Newtons.

It took over a week for any of the major news agencies to report on these new laws. Fortunately, after the public found out about the laws, congress was forced to repeal all of the laws despite their collective hatred of the tasty, addictive Newtons which some believe are laced with heroine.
Meanwhile on Capital Hill yesterday, democrats aired their strong disapproval of the “Celebritygate” scandal and even called for the impeachment of Bush, noting that he mislead Americans and made them watch hour after hour of “E! Entertainment” under false pretenses. “Lies, lies, lies, nothing but filthy, wretched lies!” speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi screamed as she tore up pictures of Tom Cruise’s baby girl, Suri, in front of the house yesterday. (Pelosi was later shocked to hear that Suri is in fact real, and may be ordered at any local Japanese restaurant.)

Wasting no more time, the government has appointed a bipartisan committee which will investigate the “Celebritygate” scandal. The ten-member committee will listen to the tapes and determine whether or not the president should be brought up on any charges. Experts, however, are certain that it will take the committee some time to report their findings due to the fact that they only have one set of headphones to share amongst the whole group.

After the panel is done listening to the conversations, the tapes will then be handed over to the hip-hop producer known as Timbaland, who will mix the tracks and lay down some hot beats in preparation for the tapes’ release in March.

Dan Munns is a sophomore economics major who thinks the upskirt shots of Britney and Paris are the most diabolical of all… Email him dmunns1[at]ithaca.edu.

Whaling Wall Matthew Farrell
Chow Feng Shui Josh Elmer
Stained Glass Ceiling Emily McNeill
Anarchitect Mike Berlin
SaHarrison Desert Harrison Flatau
Metrolollipopolis Jennifer Konerman
Tropic of Scurvy Heather Newberger
Copy Editors Danielle Sherwood
  Jenna Scatena
  Elliott Feedore
Adviser Mary Beth O’Connor
Chief Residents Abby Bertumen
  Kelly Burdick
  Bryan Chambala
  Sam Costello
  Cole Louison
  James Sigman

Buzzsaw Haircut is funded by the Ithaca College Student Government Association, the Park School of Communications and a generous grant from Campus Progress.

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Front cover and back cover of print edition by Jake I. Forney.
Section dividers of print edition by Jake I. Forney and Justin Lubliner.