No Crisis Here

By Harrison Flatau

Company Newsletter January 7th, 2008

Hey, everyone!
Dave Bishop here to give your quarterly update in our little neck of the woods. I hope all of you had a wonderful time off for Christmas vacation (and I hope you didn’t spend your bonus all in one place, Fred. Just kidding.). I’m not sure how you can top our Pollyanna Party before vacation though.

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Buzzsaw Asks Why…

Park Spent $350,000 on the Lobby

By Josh Elmer

I was walking through Park one of my first days back admiring the new white shoes that I had just purchased and realized that the floor in Park had switched from the gray tile that it was to a strange new tile pattern that I could not figure out.
“When did they do this,” I asked. I found out that it happened over break and furthermore that I should have known about it.
“Don’t you read the Dean’s blog?”
I don’t. Sorry.

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Feng Shui, Man

The ancient Chinese art of chillaxin’

By Melissa Fassetta

The practice of feng shui, positioning of objects and items to create harmony and flow of energy called chi, has been practiced since Neolithic times. Since college turns us all into beings of caveman-like civility, let’s take a look at these ancient practices and apply them to our everyday lives as undergrads.

Where you put things in a room directly affects your grades, your looks, and the lifespan of everyone you know and love. Why did your goldfish die? Because he faced South instead of North, idiot kid. If your parents never taught you about Li, now you know why you didn’t get more scholarship money. To prevent other such catastrophes, the following is a list of common dorm room objects and where they should be placed, to get the most chi out of them:

Bed – Your bed should face the door, to better see someone should they come in unexpectedly. Better yet, put the bed directly in front of the door. Then no one can come in without you knowing. Furthermore, if they have to climb over it to get in the room, what a great way to get someone in bed. Those ancient Chinese were playas.

Desk – Your workspace should be completely free of clutter. Open your window and throw out all the empty water bottles, cup o’ noodles, popcorn bags, old tests, new tests, study guides, textbooks, anything. You don’t need to pursue an education when you have a buttload of chi working for you. Your new chi-efficient desk should be on the west wall.

Desk Chair – Sit in the chair so you are facing east, the opposite direction of the desk. The ancient Chinese didn’t have homework.

Dresser – Clothes should be clean, folded, arranged by season and tucked neatly into drawers. Or thrown at the bottom of the closet.

Television – Throw it away. Confucius didn’t have cable and he turned out fine.

Bong/Hookah – For the true atmosphere of Ancient China, all marijuana must be discarded and replaced with opium.

Overflowing Trashcan – Your roommate can deal with that.

Acoustic Guitar – No one wanted to tell you, but you suck. Sell it.

Now that your stuff is in order and you have a little extra cash on hand, it’s time to really reign in the chi.

Having good chi is largely about improving luck, and nothing says good fortune more than those happy waving cat statues they have at the Chinese food place. If that’s too expensive, catching a stray cat and teaching it to wave is a cheap alternative.

Buy crystals and red cord. Red is a wealth-attracting color, and crystals are fun to watch twist around when you’re stoned. They also keep demons away, or something.

You got a 30 pack into the room unnoticed, but are too lazy to sneak them past the RA to recycle. Fret not! With some string you can make a beer can wind chime. Wind chimes invite good chi and promote serenity. What better sound to relax to than the clank of empty keystone? Hang up your craft towards the Metal element, in the Northwest.

Now your dorm is the pinnacle of peace, prosperity and harmony. At least until you get your final grades.

Melissa Fassetta is a Junior English major who thinks Feng Shui is a “Fun Way” to live. Email her at melissafassetta [at]

Buzzsaw Asks Why…

is the business building backwards?

As I approached campus for the first time this semester I saw the presence of a new building looming in the distance. Over the summer it has turned from a shell into a full-fledged building with a wall of windows facing Friends Hall. I know the School of Business and Ithaca College are using this hall of academia as the building block for the potential of Ithaca as a undergraduate institution full of sustainabuiliding.

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SAWDUST PRESENTS: Debate of the Month

Boys vs. Girls

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Help Desk

A Generic Internet F.A.Q.

By John Scappini

Welcome to the internets. Below you fill find some helpful questions and answers to use before engaging in the internet world wide web.

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College Girls’ Recruitment

…Goes wild!

By Elliot Feedore

Holly Robilard, a freshman sociology major, was positively stunned when she attended her first floor meeting in her Terrace dormitory.

“I was ferklempt,” she says with an intonation of disappointment in her voice, “that there wasn’t a single guy in the entire building.”

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The best defense is a good offense

By Sandy Canosa

A team of researchers pondered this question extensively, concluding that a woman’s best defense is still the tried-and-true method of “getting him where it hurts.” This area is scientifically known as either the crotchal region or the groinalplex, an extremely vulnerable vicinity located between a man’s legs that, when pitted against a solid force, will likely cause said man to experience extreme pain.

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Buzzsaw Asks Why…

Sustainability got its definition changed

Ads have been going up recently, plastered around the dining halls and eateries around Ithaca College. Part of the reason for the recent wave of cheery advertisements comes in from this quote: “Maintaining harmony in life is important to your well-being…”

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Around the World with Buzzy

“Slash and burn” in the rainforest

By Briana Kerensky

As You May Know, There Are Lots of Trees in the Rainforest.

In fact, since there are so many trees, there is absolutely no room for kids to play. You can’t play soccer, have relay races, or impersonate your favorite violent video game when there is a 200 year-old tree in your way!

And like our parents tell us, nature can be very, very dangerous. We’re not supposed to play in the trees because they have bugs, man-eating snakes, and lots and lots of germs. Ewww! Gross!

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Whaling Wall Matthew Farrell
Chow Feng Shui Josh Elmer
Stained Glass Ceiling Emily McNeill
Anarchitect Mike Berlin
SaHarrison Desert Harrison Flatau
Metrolollipopolis Jennifer Konerman
Tropic of Scurvy Heather Newberger
Copy Editors Danielle Sherwood
  Jenna Scatena
  Elliott Feedore
Adviser Mary Beth O’Connor
Chief Residents Abby Bertumen
  Kelly Burdick
  Bryan Chambala
  Sam Costello
  Cole Louison
  James Sigman

Buzzsaw Haircut is funded by the Ithaca College Student Government Association, the Park School of Communications and a generous grant from Campus Progress.

Our Press is our press.
Binghamton, NY

Front cover and back cover of print edition by Jake I. Forney.
Section dividers of print edition by Jake I. Forney and Justin Lubliner.